


Twisting my guts

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Biting, Blood, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:12:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It took me by surprise, like a fireball making its way inside my veins, my heart and my lungs. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. All my attention was focused on this foreign feeling, this pure, bright hate. I hated her so much, I was in pain. I was in pain, and I loved it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lucidity

I was afraid.

All of my body was shaking with fear, olive tears filling my cheeks. But I couldn't cry, not here, not like this. My trembling hand made its way to my head to wipe my weeping eyes. I had to be brave, I had to make my moirail proud, I had to help him like he helped me so many times. I collapsed inside my tiny hideout. I took a deep breath and felt calm again. Once I was confident enough to move once more, I proceeded to wriggle my way through the vent. After a moment, a speck of light pierced the darkness, thus making me close my eyes quickly, by reflex. Few seconds later, my eyes adjusted to the new brightness around me. I quickly noticed that the light was coming from a gate in the vent. Hope lit up in my face, making me smile again. A way out, finally. I had lived all my life in a small and dark cave, but i found this cold space so much more uncomfortable. I let out a relieved sigh and made my way to the grid. Before I could figure out how to open it, I saw Equius standing only a few feet away from the vent where I was hiding.

I almost called his name, but Gamzee’s intimidating figure sitting on a platform in front of Equius made me change my mind. Once again, I was afraid. This time, though, it was worse. I was afraid like never before, for me, but mainly for my moirail. I opened my mouth, probably to scream “Equius, run!” But nothing came out. Instead, I bit deeply in my lower lip until the taste of my own blood filled my mouth. It was disgusting, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I watched horrified as Gamzee jumped down the platform, now facing Equius. My moirail was the only troll taller than the now red eyed clown. I was paralysed with panic, half of my senses were telling me to run anywhere but to the other side of the gate, and the other half was screaming “Go save your moirail!”. I couldn’t do either. I just stayed there, immobile, completely cold. It was as if all of my emotions were frozen inside of me, and nothing was coming to the surface.

When Gamzee strangled Equius, though, all that was stuck inside came out in a loud cry. My mouth opened so fast and let out so much sound and saliva, it would’ve surprised me in another situation. My eyes were burning green because of my salty tears, the kind of tears you can only produce when you are desperate, and have nothing else to offer. Before I could stop myself, I was out of the vent, pouncing and screaming louder than necessary on my best friend’s murderer. He let go of Equius, looking directly at me. His smile only grew wider when he saw all of my anger. I could feel the rage sliding down my spine. A moment before my claws touched his face, he grasped my wrist with all of his strength, breaking it under his strong fingers. I screamed louder than I already was, feeling the ache in my throat. He dragged my claws across his face, just deep enough to make it bleed. For some reason, even if I was unimaginably in pain, I was pleased to see that ugly purple colour contrast his pale painted face.

He pushed me hard on the floor, putting me in a vulnerable position. he easily could’ve killed me in that very moment, but didn’t. Instead, he looked deep into my eyes. It was the first time I really looked at Gamzee. He was always there, somewhere on the meteor, but never _really there_. He was the kind of troll you see everyday but never actually talk to. His eyes were oddly red, an even brighter red than Terezi’s. They were full of insanity, rage, but mostly confusion. As if he didn’t know what to do. His smile faded away. He was even more confused than before, but for some reason he kept the eye contact. I didn’t understand why he was acting like he was. He just killed, my confident, my best friend, my moirail. Why wasn’t he killing me already? Did he want to see me suffer a little bit longer? Did he want to torture me?

“Just kill me!” I cried, with disgust.

He just stood there, still looking at me. His tiny pupils twitching slightly. He dropped Equius’s broken bow, the string still soaked with blue blood. An annoying feeling, that I was ignoring since Equius’s death, started to take more and more place inside my heart, making my pain and sadness fade a little bit. I was trying to put it aside again, because I had to focus on the fact that I was about to get killed. I failed.

It felt like it feels when you’re in love, my heart was so full of emotions that it stopped, my lungs were paralyzed, taking my breath away, my whole body was under the weight of this odd sensation. It felt exactly like love, but the opposite way. My limbs weren’t filled with love, but with hatred, pure and sexual hate. I had never felt so much distaste for somebody, and it felt wrongly good. As an expert of troll romance, I knew what all of these feelings meant. It should’ve made me throw up to even think of a romantic relationship with someone who just killed the person you cared the most about, but the black feelings were filling my guts and stomach anyways. A small surprised gasp found its way out of my mouth.

**  
  
  
**

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

**  
  
**

KILL HER. kill her. MOTHERFUCKING KILL HER.

I knew what I had to do. The voices were loud and convincing. Before, they were talking all at once, sometimes they were only whispering. But now, they were talking one at the time, with two distinct voices, telling me exactly what to do. I had to kill everyone, no matter who they were to me or who I was to them. Not like anyone thought of me like anything more than a “friend” anyways. The voices were louder and louder, always telling me the same thing. They wanted me to kill Nepeta, they convinced me that _I_ wanted to kill Nepeta. I let go of the bow to equip myself with clubs, but I couldn’t stop staring inside these big eyes. Her eyes were not begging, nor were they weak. They were rude and brave and full of anger. Why wasn’t she scared? “She should be motherfucking scared”, I was telling myself. It made me even more mad that I already was. Why wasn’t this pathetic cat girl afraid of me, the one who just killed her moirail and broke her wrist. Her round face was twisted in a pure loathing expression. It was making me weirdly aroused.

“Just kill me!”, She spat.

SHE’S ASKING FOR IT. kill her. KILL HER. do it.

I knew killing her was the right thing to do, but my arms were not moving, and my eyes were stuck in hers. All sorts of feeling were twisting my stomach, the confusion was making me oddly lucid, making the voices go away for a few seconds. It took me by surprise, like a fireball making its way inside my veins, my heart and my lungs. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. All my attention was focused on this foreign feeling, this pure, bright hate. I hated her so much, I was in pain. I was in pain, and I loved it. I would’ve smiled if my muscles would’ve collaborated. I hated her so much I couldn’t kill her, because she was now the most important person in my world, I wanted her. I wanted to feel her blood slide down my throat, I wanted to taste her skin, to scratch every inch of her small body, but never let her die. I wanted her. The voices were silent, for the first time in my life I was alone in my head. But that wasn’t important. Right now, all I could think about were all the different ways I could hurt Nepeta Leijon.

She didn’t move and neither did I. We just looked into each other’s eyes for a bit, the both of us confused by the situation. Her mouth twisted to show all of her teeth and she hissed at me. This was too much for me to take in. Yes, I was definitely black for that cat I barely even knew, but already hated more than anything in all of space. I hissed too, showing my much bigger teeth. Her expression changed. She smiled. Her eyes were hard on me, challenging. “fuck no”, I thought. That smile made me feel things I had never felt before. My heart was about to explode because of all the new sensations. My chest was feeling weird and wrong, like a hitch on the inside that I couldn’t scratch. Before I knew what was going on, her face and mine were almost touching, the air full of black tension. She gripped the hair on the back of my head really tight, and pushed me forward. It hurt, and I liked it very much. Our lips collapsed together in chaos and drool and tears.

My nails were deep in the back of her neck, making it bleed profusely. She seemed to enjoy the pain and, to repay me, she bit profoundly on my lower lip, almost cutting a chunk off. I had never felt so much pain and joy at the same time. A loud and disgusting sound came out of my mouth. She suddenly pushed me away. She looked into my eyes, with an afraid expression, as if she just woke up from a nightmare.

“What are we doing?”, She said with her small, adorable voice I hated so much.

She looked at Equius’s corpse, with an horrified face. She looked back at me, trying so hard to erase all of the wrong emotions from her heart and mind. I was doing the same, but it wasn’t working. We sat on the ground, still looking at eachother. Her neck was still bleeding and I had the urge to get up and lick it off. My lip was hurting like hell, and I was fine with it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. The voices were gone, leaving me behind with no mission and no orders.

**  
But, at least, now I had someone to hate with all of my heart.**


	2. Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world had ended, most of my friends were dead and the ones that were still alive weren’t the same here. The stress, the pain and the sadness had changed them. Even I had changed. Without my moirail to guide me, to help me, I had nothing left.

 

I opened my eyes. I did not remember falling asleep. I looked around me, recognizing the familiar gray walls of the meteor. I was lying down on a pile of colourful pillows. It took me a moment to completely wake up, and when I remembered what was happening in the waking world, I wished with all of my soul that I could just stay asleep for ever. So many of my friends were dead, so many good trolls. The ones that remained alive were probably hiding somewhere, scared, alone.

 

“Hiding from my kismesis.” I thought to myself. What the fuck was wrong with me? Sleep had cleared my thoughts a little bit and it felt good to be in control of my emotions again. My heart was empty of black feelings, for now anyways. I had to find someone, anyone. Karkitty would know what to do, he was the leader after all. Every excuse was acceptable to be closer to Karkat. I looked around me again, this time fully awake. I remembered biting Gamzee, and also that I cried over Equius’s body for many hours. I quickly turned to were my moirail’s body was the last time I saw it, but it was gone. Someone even cleaned the blood off the floor.

 

I rubbed my eyes with my hands. I was so confused by all of this. I peeked to the right side of the room. Gamzee was sleeping agitatedly directly on the floor, with a blanket over his body and head. Only his large horns were poking out of the thick sheet. “He should probably sleep in slime, it would calm his murderer ass down”, I thought. I was surprised by my own language, I looked away, ashamed. Equius would be very disappointed. I immediately regretted thinking of him when the grieving feeling came back like a boomerang right in my stomach. I started to sob uncontrollably, trying to mitigate the sound by putting my sleeves over my mouth and nose. I was too young to feel so many grown up feelings. I was only 6 sweeps old, and I had lost so much. I buried my face in my overcoat. It smelled like Equius. It reminded me that I would never hug him again. When I thought about it, I realized that I might never hug anyone else ever again. The thought was more than horrifying, it was unimaginable. Nepeta Leijon was born to hug and pounce. I began to sob even more, soaking my sleeves with olive tears.

 

“You’re loud as fuck motherfucker. Will you shut up?”

 

I turned quickly to where Gamzee was lying. He had taken the blanket off his face, but his eyes were still shut in an annoyed frown. It was the first time I had ever seen him without his clown makeup. The lines of his profile were pleasing to my eyes. When he finally faced me and opened his eyes, I was stunned by how different he looked. He still had one hell of a scary face, but it was strangely attractive. I wanted to destroy that face with my claws so badly. Once I was out of my contemplation, I talked.  

 

“Where is he? Where did you put his body?”

 

He closed his eyes again. He looked very tired, and annoyed to be awake so early.

 

“If you’re talking about your fucking creepy, but mainly dead, moirail, well I didn’t want to have to smell that motherfucker’s rotting body while I was sleeping. He’s in the kitchen’s fridge.”

 

What the fuck?

 

“In the furidge? Like the furidge that effuryone on this meteor uses? Why the fuck would you put a dead body there? I know you’re missing some impurrtant brain cells and stuff, but it’s worse than I thought.”

 

I was furious. He could’ve just put Equius under a blanket, and I would’ve dealt with him decently the next morning, why would he put him in the fridge of all places?

 

“Calm the motherfuck down. I put him there ‘cause it seemed logical at the moment, I was fucking tired and confused bro. I could’ve let him right the fuck there, on the ground just beside you. Would you have liked that better? Asshole, I don’t know why I didn’t fucking kill you too. How cool would that be? A sweaty creep and his stupid catgirl chilling in the fucking fridge.” 

 

He looked pissed, but he was so sleepy that it wasn’t showing in his voice. He was talking very quietly, always on the same tone. He moved his head slightly so he could look at me directly in the eyes.

 

“And I may not have all of my motherfucking head, but i’m not the one that’s making fucking cat puns, am I?”

 

I smiled at that.

 

“I hate you”, I said, before falling back to sleep.

  
  


XxXxXxXxXxXx

 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS???? WHAT HAPPENED?? WHY ARE YOU TWO COVERED IN YOUR OWN BLOOD, BUT YET FUCKING SLEEPING LIKE, TWO FEETS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”

 

Karkitty’s velvety voice woke me up. When I opened my eyes, Gamzee was standing up in front of Karkat, looking down at him. My leader looked nervous to be so close to my kismesis. He was probably trying to figure out if Gamzee was going to go murder mode again or not.

 

“Bro calm the fuck down. Everything is motherfuckin’ fine now”

 

“FINE????? SO WE’RE GOOD ENOUGH TO NOT BE KILLED NOW? LIKE, WE’RE NOT TOO FUCKING INFERIOR TO YOUR MAJESTY THE BRAIN DAMAGED CLOWN THAT WANT TO KILL US ALL? AM I UNDERSTANDING THIS CORRECTLY?  

 

“Hey, i’m fucking sorry for what I said yesterday. I know I probably scared the motherfucking shit of all of you, and I take all the fucking blame for it. I don’t think any of what I said, I fucking promise, brother.”

 

Karkat looked relieved and more relax. It was as if he really wanted to be mad at Gamzee, but just couldn't. They knew each others for so long, it was probably easier to forgive, I guessed. When Karkat spoke again, he wasn’t screaming.

 

“Okay, okay. Well i’m still freaking the fuck out. Feferi is dead, Kanaya too, the matriob fucking exploded, Sollux is so fucking weird now, like he doesn't give a shit about anything? Terezi said that Tavros was dead too. She thinks it’s Vriska. I’m fucking glad you’re you again, like three crazy fucks on a murderous rampage was too much for me to take in.”

 

Gamzee smiled slightly, apprehensive. We both knew that whatever Karkat was going to ask next was going to be a lot less pleasant to answer.

 

“So, where’s Equius?”

 

"Fucking called it.", I thought. Gamzee glanced at me, eyes dark and hateful. He opened his makeup-less mouth, but then closed it. He was struggling to find the good words to use.

 

“He killed him. He was going to kill me too.”, I said, before the purple blooded asshole could say anything.

 

Karkat’s eyes grew wide. He began to shook his head in a “no” motion. He was probably thinking that it was his fault, that if he hadn’t asked Equius to go after Gamzee, he would still be alive.

 

“YOU WHAT? YOU SAID EVERYTHING WAS FINE! GAMZEE, WHAT THE FUCK? WHY? THERE IS SO FUCKING FEW OF US LEFT!”

 

Karkat sat on the ground holding both sides of his head with his hands.

 

“There’s something I don’t understand though. You fucking killed, for literally no reason, one of our friends, but you spared Nepeta. Why? And why aren’t you still a fucking murderous asshole running around with blood stained clubs. None of this shit makes any fucking sense.”

 

I looked at Gamzee. Karkat was wrong. Everything made sense, in fact, it was really simple. He hated me too much to kill me and I hated him too much to kill him. So we were both alive, hating each other, pointlessly. It was quite pathetic in fact. My insides started to boil with rage. Karkitty was right, that bastard should’ve killed me. What did I even have left here? The world had ended, most of my friends were dead and the ones that were still alive weren’t the same here. The stress, the pain and the sadness had changed them. Even _I_ had changed. Without my moirail to guide me, to help me, I had nothing left.

 

“He’s right! You should’ve killed me! You stupid, selfish asshole! You were willing to kill your own friends just because random voices told you to? Because it was what you “religion” told you to do?

 

I was so angry that I couldn’t even bring myself to use catpuns.

 

“You should be glad you’re not in that fucking fridge with your motherfucking moirail. You’re still alive, why the fuck are you complaining? And you say i’m fuckin selfish, you’re the asshole, you stupid deranged cat.”

 

Our faces were closer and closer, I could feel the disgusting heat coming out of his mouth when he was speaking. I hissed slightly, but a moment later, neither of us were making any sort of sound since our mouths were one in another. He bit my upper lip while I was angrily scratching the back of his neck with my sharp nails. It was like we had swapped the places from yesterday.

 

Karkat was looking at us with an expression of disbelief on his face. At the same time, all of his earlier confusion faded away. He suddenly understood everything. He looked at both of us, one at a time. He closed his eyes and took a big breath.

 

“Okay.”, He simply said. **With his sad eyes.**

  
  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for leaving comments! Once again, if there are any errors, please tell me. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions for what could happen next, feel free!

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if there are any errors, my first language is not english x.x
> 
> Btw, i'm sorry if this is not how you picture kismessitude, it's just how I picture it. Hope you can enjoy anyways.


End file.
